Don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome
Do you know anyone who suffers from don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome? For some it may be a friend, a colleague, a family member who doesn't have children yet. For others it may be a friend who does have children, but also has a maid, a cook or a nanny (or all 3!). For most though, it may be your dear husband. The love of your life. The {clueless} love of your life.
Time-out: Let me stop right here real quick to warn you that this is most definitely NOT a husband bashing post. Just in case you're thinking it's going that route. Keep reading my friends, you will like what you read :)
If you know anyone who has this syndrome, and especially if it's your husband, then this post is for you. Because I have SO BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. And I want to give you hope, strategies and some insight.
Men (and clueless women for that matter!) do not intend to not understand. They are simply psychologically incapable, both because their minds do not work the way ours do, and because they have never, ever walked in our shoes for a single second. They aren't even able to walk in our shoes--God made them SO different that they absolutely cannot.
When I became a stay-at-home mom exactly 6 years and 10 days ago, I had expectations about what it was going to be like, how fun it would be, how rewarding I would find it, how each day would go, etc. Very, very quickly (as in 6 years 6 days ago--or so, I mean I wasn't counting or anything!) I realized that staying at home was absolutely NOT a cakewalk, and it never would be. It was anything BUT easy, definitely not all fun and games, and was the POLAR OPPOSITE of having days and schedules that were centered around Bethany.
Around this time I began to feel extremely alone in my role and having left a job where I had a very supportive, complementary, reassuring boss, I was beginning to feel the effects of being in a career where not only is there no boss, but also zero other adults to have conversation with, no paychecks, no yearly reviews and pay raises, and very little encouragement. I was lonely, bored, and felt like this tiny 7 pound ball of what should've been pure joy was doing an awful job {my immature opinion or course} of dictating what my life entailed from one minute to the next.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely was HEAD-OVER-HEELS in LOVE with my daughter from day 1. She was amazing in every way. But before she was even 2 weeks old I was beside myself because it didn't seem like anyone around me, least of all my husband, had any idea what I was dealing with
by being a full-time Mama all day and all night long.
Flash forward a few years and Sienna joined our family, and a few years after that, Bristol. Each has brought so much happiness, yet so much chaos. They are my joy, they are, at times, my angst. And life has not changed a bit--still no paycheck, no raises, no yearly review to let me know what I'm doing right or wrong. I know my husband appreciates me, but he still does not understand what day-to-day life as a mom (let alone a stay-at-home one) is all about. Bless his heart, there's no way he could know. I don't blame him at all, I'm just stating facts.
There have been times over the years when I have pointed fingers at Scott regarding the evident don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. Whether it's been me coming right out and saying it, or me just feeling it, I've blamed him. There have been weeks where I've been very unhappy, and have felt very unfulfilled, and whether he knew it or not, I blamed Scott in my own mind. However it has been a recent development for me that I've realized that he and other men just can't possibly grasp it. And any unhappiness or lack of fulfillment had absolutely nothing at all to do with him.
Scott recognizes all that I do in his own right, and he most definitely appreciates me. Is it the same as having a boss who assures me when I'm moving in the right direction or helps me redirect as needed? Absolutely not. Does he shower me with compliments and admiration every single day? That's neither his nature, nor would I expect it. But over the past few months, something has definitely changed in the dynamic of parenthood in our home, especially for me as the stay-at-home-mom. I have realized that it is not Scott's job to make me feel fulfilled in my role. It is my own job. I am my own boss, I make my own decisions, I decide whether to stay still, move forward, or fall behind. And with these decisions comes a whole lot of responsibility.
Being a mom is downright HARD whether you stay at home full-time, part-time or not at all. It is a 24-hour job where your colleagues can't even form complete thoughts, let alone sentences. It is a thankless career, and quite honestly everyone around you might as well suffer from don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. So how do you survive and feel that you're not losing yourself in the process?
I've tried to sit down and pinpoint exactly what I've realized over my tenure as Mama, and especially over the past couple of months when I've felt the most fulfilled by my career. I by no means want to give an excuse for any husband who shows zero appreciation for what moms do--they absolutely should show gratefulness--but I think it's easy for us moms to overlook their gratitude because our expectations are so high for the men in our lives. Ultimately I what I want to give to each of you reading (and feeling the way I've felt) is the knowledge that you have the power to control how you feel about being a mom, and you have the power to change, tweak or adjust your current life to be even better than it is. I'll let you know up front, it has nothing to do with being showered by compliments or expecting anyone in my life to medicate their don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. I want to share what has helped me to achieve the feeling of ultimate fulfillment in motherhood because it truly has had to do with a change within MYSELF, so here goes...
1. Each day, I find that I can be the best mom possible, and feel my very best, by getting up before my children. Even if it is just a half hour before the kids, I try to get up a little early to begin my day quietly and then be ready for my little girls to toddle down the stairs.
I find that on the days that I get up before the children, I'm more energized throughout the day (I know, backwards thought since getting up earlier means less time in the sack!) and that therefore I'm more patient with my girls and my husband throughout the day. I am also more productive and have a better feeling in general about our day.
2. GET ORGANIZED. Whether it be to start an organized to-do list (mine is SUPER long, though I only expect myself to do 5 things a day and some are done in 60 seconds or less), your calendar (I'll share ours soon!) or your dinner menu, start to organize, compartmentalize and be able to think through your ultimate goals for each day. Mothers need planners just like businesswomen, maybe even more than businesswomen. You're juggling childrens' activities, appointments, and the needs of EVERYONE in your household, so it's best to have it all organized so that you feel like you're always ahead of the game.
3. Teach your children to be INDEPENDENT. You were not made to be the eternal wiper of your kid's booty. Nor their eternal breakfast maker. Or their seat belt buckler. Or their clothing dresser. And so on, and so on, and so on. My girls are expected to do things on their own, and I help them with that by teaching them how to do things themselves. When we bought Jaden a new carseat, I did not immediately install in into my car. I brought it into the house and made a game out of learning how to buckle herself in. That way, I only had to worry about Sienna (at the time)! Now, Jaden and Sienna buckle themselves and I plop Bristol's carrier into her base. E.A.S.Y. I've taught my girls how to dress themselves as soon as possible, and give them much praise for doing it. Right now Jaden and Sienna are brushing their own teeth, "making" their own beds and cleaning up their own playroom. Do they do things perfectly every time? Nope. But they get better each time they do it! And that's what matters. Oh yeah, and the other thing that matters is that I have a few extra minutes to tend to whatever I have going on because they're able to do things themselves. Please take note here though one more time...you do have to teach your kids to do things. They pick it up fast though :)
4. Implement a Rest Time, even if they refuse to nap. No kid wants to be told that it's time to leave whatever toys they want to play with or whatever show they want to watch to take a rest. But guess what, Mommy and Daddy are the bosses in the household and it doesn't really matter what little kids want until their 18! Rest time is KEY to our house. It happens about 5 of 7 days each week and allows me (and Scott, on the weekends) some time to have uninterrupted thoughts and to take care of myself. It is essential to my own personal well being and I believe it's good for my girls too. We all come out of our hour long time apart feeling rejuvenated and ready to tackle whatever is next! Even if your kid hasn't taken a nap in two years, it's never too late to start a rest time. Start small, allow him / her to take a few books into their room or bed with them and just let them know it's a time when they need to keep to themselves and not bother their siblings or parents. We have set some ground rules for rest time--the #1 being that they don't come out of their rooms until Mom or Dad comes to get them. Nothing will ruin a quiet hour more quickly than children coming out of their rooms every 5 minutes asking when it's going to be over!
I often use rest time as a time to sit down and have my own lunch (yeah, then I get to eat it still HOT and without having to get up from the table 58 times! woohoo!!), to watch something I want to see without my girls talking or fighting in the background (today it was the Duggars. ha!), and to begin any chores I need to do. Sometimes it involves replying to emails for 55 of the 60 minutes. Other days it means I'm going to lie down for a little while myself because I either got up to early or the girls have exhausted me for another reason.
Whatever it is though, you DESERVE one hour to yourself each day. And your kids are never going to grow up screwed up because you implemented a mandatory time each day when they had to quietly entertain themselves or fall asleep. I promise you, they will not only survive, but thrive because their mommy will be a better mommy each day that rest time is involved :)
5. Set a bedtime and STICK TO IT. Bedtime is for PARENTS, not really for kids. Yes, the kiddos need sleep, but honestly friends, parents need quiet time to themselves even more. I would not be able to do half of what I do in a day if it weren't for the fact that my children are in bed asleep no later than 8pm on average. We begin the process as early as 6:45 sometimes depending on the day. Our girls generally sleep 8pm to 7am and it.is.glorious! Scott and I get time to watch shows together, hang out, surf facebook, blog, play video games....and so on and so on. When do you think I'm making bows or writing tutorials? Um, 9pm folks. And if my kids were still up and interrupting me during that time, well let's just say I'd turn into the worst kind of parent I could be--what I like to refer to as "Monster Mommy."
6. This one is probably in the top two most important on the list, but find something YOU find pleasure doing and DO IT. Facebooking until 1am doesn't count. And don't tell me you just love mothering that much that you don't need to do anything else. You'd be lying to me and to yourself if you said that. You need to find something or somethingS that YOU enjoy by yourself. This means without kids. If it's having a night out with your girlfriends, do it. Scrapbooking? Go ahead. Bowling league? Have at it. My outlets are (obviously) craft-related. I love to make bows, scrapbook and do a wide variety of other crafts. Sometimes I go weeks and weeks where life is too busy to allow me time to do what I love. And believe me, I'm a TOTALLY different wife and mother during those times. Then there are the times when I get all caught up on "life" and resort to doing too many things I love to do until I get behind again. That's like the opposite extreme and doesn't work too well either. What is best is when I carve out some time on a regular basis just for me. It could be an hour after the girls are in bed or a whole day every few months. I highly recommend doing this though, and making sure that husband keeps the kiddos sometimes so that you have uninterrupted opportunities to just be yourself and to just do what you want to do.
7. And the other very important one--PRAY. Pray for your own patience. Pray to find fulfillment. Pray to find yourself. Pray for your husband. Pray for your children. You may discover something new about your own self or your own life through prayer. And prayer doesn't need to be some set-up, planned out, elaborate, long ceremony. It can be one statement when you're at your wits end. Or one praise when something has just gone well. It can be sending up thanks until you drift off to sleep (the BEST way to fall asleep in my opinion because you're giving thanks to the being who deserves it MOST AND you'll wake up with a feeling of gratitude for having fallen asleep in that way!). It can be asking for a blessing on a certain situation that suddenly arises. Making prayer a part of your life will forever change it for the better. I promise.
8. And finally, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. This is SO hard for those of us who are type A go-getters. But you MUST lower your expectations for yourself. And lower your expectations for whomever you feel has the don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. The only people you shouldn't lower your expectations for is your kids and my feelings behind that are for a whole different research-paper-length post! ha!
You're not going to get done in a day what you could once do before you had children. Just ain't gonna happen! You're not ever going to feel that anyone understands what your days are like until you find the reassurance that you're doing a great job within yourself. You're not going to reach a point of feeling fulfilled if you keep beating yourself up or focusing on the negative.
Ultimately, we moms have the single MOST important job on the planet. More important than the president's, more complicated than an air traffic controller's, more detailed than the CEO of an enormous company, our jobs are to create kids who can contribute to society and to build a future even better than the past. We can't do it if we're a frazzled mess getting out of bed 5 minutes after the kids each day. We can't do it if we're barely able to eat our own lunch after getting up from the table 15 times to help our kids. We can't do it if we're disorganized. We can't do it if our kids are up every single waking moment that we're awake. We can't do it if we are too busy doing everything for our children to have an interrupted thought enter out own minds. We can't do it without God on our side. We can't do it if we're constantly bashing ourselves for not being better. We can't do it if we orchestrate a feeling of unfulfilledness by relying on our spouses to be responsible for making us feel a certain way about the "career" of motherhood.
If you feel good about what you're doing, and peaceful in doing it, then it won't matter who in your life has don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. In won't matter that he or she drops a comment to the effect of "what did you do all day?" or that he or she notices the dishes didn't get done one time. Because once you arrive at a feeling of knowing that you are your OWN boss and your OWN source of feeling good about what you do, nothing else can come between you and those feelings. Once you establish the knowledge that you are doing your very best, nothing can change that in your mind and your heart. Once you begin to thank God for all that you have, and more importantly all that you are, nobody's comments or attitudes or lack of understanding can get in your way. And once you have embraced all that comes along with motherhood, and figured out how to best operate your home, you will be more productive than ever which means some of what may have contributed to don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome will disappear anyway.
I certainly don't have all the answers, and I don't want to pretend that I do. But God does. And if you start with #7 from my little list above, you'll find your way. In the meantime, husbands, have patience with your wives who stay at home. Give her an extra hug and an extra "thanks." Show her appreciation in a way she would never expect. Those types of actions will fuel her fire and make her an even better wife and mother than before. We are truly all connected in ways we never thought and ESPECIALLY by way of emotions and actions that either cause or are the effect of showing emotions.
Hang in there moms, and know that you are doing a GREAT job if you are trying your best. Keep truckin and keep making your parenting purposeful. Some day you will reap the benefits of what you sow. In the meantime know that at least one mom out there (ME!) understands and has stood in shoes like yours. Maybe not your exact shoes, but some that are even more like yours than you could imagine!
I LOVE this guy....
...whether he's ever truly suffered from don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome or not!! He is absolutely the very best husband for me and I thank God not only for that fact, but for also helping me to realize that time and time again :)
Time-out: Let me stop right here real quick to warn you that this is most definitely NOT a husband bashing post. Just in case you're thinking it's going that route. Keep reading my friends, you will like what you read :)
If you know anyone who has this syndrome, and especially if it's your husband, then this post is for you. Because I have SO BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. And I want to give you hope, strategies and some insight.
Men (and clueless women for that matter!) do not intend to not understand. They are simply psychologically incapable, both because their minds do not work the way ours do, and because they have never, ever walked in our shoes for a single second. They aren't even able to walk in our shoes--God made them SO different that they absolutely cannot.
When I became a stay-at-home mom exactly 6 years and 10 days ago, I had expectations about what it was going to be like, how fun it would be, how rewarding I would find it, how each day would go, etc. Very, very quickly (as in 6 years 6 days ago--or so, I mean I wasn't counting or anything!) I realized that staying at home was absolutely NOT a cakewalk, and it never would be. It was anything BUT easy, definitely not all fun and games, and was the POLAR OPPOSITE of having days and schedules that were centered around Bethany.
Around this time I began to feel extremely alone in my role and having left a job where I had a very supportive, complementary, reassuring boss, I was beginning to feel the effects of being in a career where not only is there no boss, but also zero other adults to have conversation with, no paychecks, no yearly reviews and pay raises, and very little encouragement. I was lonely, bored, and felt like this tiny 7 pound ball of what should've been pure joy was doing an awful job {my immature opinion or course} of dictating what my life entailed from one minute to the next.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely was HEAD-OVER-HEELS in LOVE with my daughter from day 1. She was amazing in every way. But before she was even 2 weeks old I was beside myself because it didn't seem like anyone around me, least of all my husband, had any idea what I was dealing with
by being a full-time Mama all day and all night long.
Flash forward a few years and Sienna joined our family, and a few years after that, Bristol. Each has brought so much happiness, yet so much chaos. They are my joy, they are, at times, my angst. And life has not changed a bit--still no paycheck, no raises, no yearly review to let me know what I'm doing right or wrong. I know my husband appreciates me, but he still does not understand what day-to-day life as a mom (let alone a stay-at-home one) is all about. Bless his heart, there's no way he could know. I don't blame him at all, I'm just stating facts.
There have been times over the years when I have pointed fingers at Scott regarding the evident don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. Whether it's been me coming right out and saying it, or me just feeling it, I've blamed him. There have been weeks where I've been very unhappy, and have felt very unfulfilled, and whether he knew it or not, I blamed Scott in my own mind. However it has been a recent development for me that I've realized that he and other men just can't possibly grasp it. And any unhappiness or lack of fulfillment had absolutely nothing at all to do with him.
Scott recognizes all that I do in his own right, and he most definitely appreciates me. Is it the same as having a boss who assures me when I'm moving in the right direction or helps me redirect as needed? Absolutely not. Does he shower me with compliments and admiration every single day? That's neither his nature, nor would I expect it. But over the past few months, something has definitely changed in the dynamic of parenthood in our home, especially for me as the stay-at-home-mom. I have realized that it is not Scott's job to make me feel fulfilled in my role. It is my own job. I am my own boss, I make my own decisions, I decide whether to stay still, move forward, or fall behind. And with these decisions comes a whole lot of responsibility.
Being a mom is downright HARD whether you stay at home full-time, part-time or not at all. It is a 24-hour job where your colleagues can't even form complete thoughts, let alone sentences. It is a thankless career, and quite honestly everyone around you might as well suffer from don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. So how do you survive and feel that you're not losing yourself in the process?
I've tried to sit down and pinpoint exactly what I've realized over my tenure as Mama, and especially over the past couple of months when I've felt the most fulfilled by my career. I by no means want to give an excuse for any husband who shows zero appreciation for what moms do--they absolutely should show gratefulness--but I think it's easy for us moms to overlook their gratitude because our expectations are so high for the men in our lives. Ultimately I what I want to give to each of you reading (and feeling the way I've felt) is the knowledge that you have the power to control how you feel about being a mom, and you have the power to change, tweak or adjust your current life to be even better than it is. I'll let you know up front, it has nothing to do with being showered by compliments or expecting anyone in my life to medicate their don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. I want to share what has helped me to achieve the feeling of ultimate fulfillment in motherhood because it truly has had to do with a change within MYSELF, so here goes...
1. Each day, I find that I can be the best mom possible, and feel my very best, by getting up before my children. Even if it is just a half hour before the kids, I try to get up a little early to begin my day quietly and then be ready for my little girls to toddle down the stairs.
I find that on the days that I get up before the children, I'm more energized throughout the day (I know, backwards thought since getting up earlier means less time in the sack!) and that therefore I'm more patient with my girls and my husband throughout the day. I am also more productive and have a better feeling in general about our day.
2. GET ORGANIZED. Whether it be to start an organized to-do list (mine is SUPER long, though I only expect myself to do 5 things a day and some are done in 60 seconds or less), your calendar (I'll share ours soon!) or your dinner menu, start to organize, compartmentalize and be able to think through your ultimate goals for each day. Mothers need planners just like businesswomen, maybe even more than businesswomen. You're juggling childrens' activities, appointments, and the needs of EVERYONE in your household, so it's best to have it all organized so that you feel like you're always ahead of the game.
3. Teach your children to be INDEPENDENT. You were not made to be the eternal wiper of your kid's booty. Nor their eternal breakfast maker. Or their seat belt buckler. Or their clothing dresser. And so on, and so on, and so on. My girls are expected to do things on their own, and I help them with that by teaching them how to do things themselves. When we bought Jaden a new carseat, I did not immediately install in into my car. I brought it into the house and made a game out of learning how to buckle herself in. That way, I only had to worry about Sienna (at the time)! Now, Jaden and Sienna buckle themselves and I plop Bristol's carrier into her base. E.A.S.Y. I've taught my girls how to dress themselves as soon as possible, and give them much praise for doing it. Right now Jaden and Sienna are brushing their own teeth, "making" their own beds and cleaning up their own playroom. Do they do things perfectly every time? Nope. But they get better each time they do it! And that's what matters. Oh yeah, and the other thing that matters is that I have a few extra minutes to tend to whatever I have going on because they're able to do things themselves. Please take note here though one more time...you do have to teach your kids to do things. They pick it up fast though :)
4. Implement a Rest Time, even if they refuse to nap. No kid wants to be told that it's time to leave whatever toys they want to play with or whatever show they want to watch to take a rest. But guess what, Mommy and Daddy are the bosses in the household and it doesn't really matter what little kids want until their 18! Rest time is KEY to our house. It happens about 5 of 7 days each week and allows me (and Scott, on the weekends) some time to have uninterrupted thoughts and to take care of myself. It is essential to my own personal well being and I believe it's good for my girls too. We all come out of our hour long time apart feeling rejuvenated and ready to tackle whatever is next! Even if your kid hasn't taken a nap in two years, it's never too late to start a rest time. Start small, allow him / her to take a few books into their room or bed with them and just let them know it's a time when they need to keep to themselves and not bother their siblings or parents. We have set some ground rules for rest time--the #1 being that they don't come out of their rooms until Mom or Dad comes to get them. Nothing will ruin a quiet hour more quickly than children coming out of their rooms every 5 minutes asking when it's going to be over!
I often use rest time as a time to sit down and have my own lunch (yeah, then I get to eat it still HOT and without having to get up from the table 58 times! woohoo!!), to watch something I want to see without my girls talking or fighting in the background (today it was the Duggars. ha!), and to begin any chores I need to do. Sometimes it involves replying to emails for 55 of the 60 minutes. Other days it means I'm going to lie down for a little while myself because I either got up to early or the girls have exhausted me for another reason.
Whatever it is though, you DESERVE one hour to yourself each day. And your kids are never going to grow up screwed up because you implemented a mandatory time each day when they had to quietly entertain themselves or fall asleep. I promise you, they will not only survive, but thrive because their mommy will be a better mommy each day that rest time is involved :)
5. Set a bedtime and STICK TO IT. Bedtime is for PARENTS, not really for kids. Yes, the kiddos need sleep, but honestly friends, parents need quiet time to themselves even more. I would not be able to do half of what I do in a day if it weren't for the fact that my children are in bed asleep no later than 8pm on average. We begin the process as early as 6:45 sometimes depending on the day. Our girls generally sleep 8pm to 7am and it.is.glorious! Scott and I get time to watch shows together, hang out, surf facebook, blog, play video games....and so on and so on. When do you think I'm making bows or writing tutorials? Um, 9pm folks. And if my kids were still up and interrupting me during that time, well let's just say I'd turn into the worst kind of parent I could be--what I like to refer to as "Monster Mommy."
6. This one is probably in the top two most important on the list, but find something YOU find pleasure doing and DO IT. Facebooking until 1am doesn't count. And don't tell me you just love mothering that much that you don't need to do anything else. You'd be lying to me and to yourself if you said that. You need to find something or somethingS that YOU enjoy by yourself. This means without kids. If it's having a night out with your girlfriends, do it. Scrapbooking? Go ahead. Bowling league? Have at it. My outlets are (obviously) craft-related. I love to make bows, scrapbook and do a wide variety of other crafts. Sometimes I go weeks and weeks where life is too busy to allow me time to do what I love. And believe me, I'm a TOTALLY different wife and mother during those times. Then there are the times when I get all caught up on "life" and resort to doing too many things I love to do until I get behind again. That's like the opposite extreme and doesn't work too well either. What is best is when I carve out some time on a regular basis just for me. It could be an hour after the girls are in bed or a whole day every few months. I highly recommend doing this though, and making sure that husband keeps the kiddos sometimes so that you have uninterrupted opportunities to just be yourself and to just do what you want to do.
7. And the other very important one--PRAY. Pray for your own patience. Pray to find fulfillment. Pray to find yourself. Pray for your husband. Pray for your children. You may discover something new about your own self or your own life through prayer. And prayer doesn't need to be some set-up, planned out, elaborate, long ceremony. It can be one statement when you're at your wits end. Or one praise when something has just gone well. It can be sending up thanks until you drift off to sleep (the BEST way to fall asleep in my opinion because you're giving thanks to the being who deserves it MOST AND you'll wake up with a feeling of gratitude for having fallen asleep in that way!). It can be asking for a blessing on a certain situation that suddenly arises. Making prayer a part of your life will forever change it for the better. I promise.
8. And finally, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. This is SO hard for those of us who are type A go-getters. But you MUST lower your expectations for yourself. And lower your expectations for whomever you feel has the don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. The only people you shouldn't lower your expectations for is your kids and my feelings behind that are for a whole different research-paper-length post! ha!
You're not going to get done in a day what you could once do before you had children. Just ain't gonna happen! You're not ever going to feel that anyone understands what your days are like until you find the reassurance that you're doing a great job within yourself. You're not going to reach a point of feeling fulfilled if you keep beating yourself up or focusing on the negative.
Ultimately, we moms have the single MOST important job on the planet. More important than the president's, more complicated than an air traffic controller's, more detailed than the CEO of an enormous company, our jobs are to create kids who can contribute to society and to build a future even better than the past. We can't do it if we're a frazzled mess getting out of bed 5 minutes after the kids each day. We can't do it if we're barely able to eat our own lunch after getting up from the table 15 times to help our kids. We can't do it if we're disorganized. We can't do it if our kids are up every single waking moment that we're awake. We can't do it if we are too busy doing everything for our children to have an interrupted thought enter out own minds. We can't do it without God on our side. We can't do it if we're constantly bashing ourselves for not being better. We can't do it if we orchestrate a feeling of unfulfilledness by relying on our spouses to be responsible for making us feel a certain way about the "career" of motherhood.
If you feel good about what you're doing, and peaceful in doing it, then it won't matter who in your life has don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome. In won't matter that he or she drops a comment to the effect of "what did you do all day?" or that he or she notices the dishes didn't get done one time. Because once you arrive at a feeling of knowing that you are your OWN boss and your OWN source of feeling good about what you do, nothing else can come between you and those feelings. Once you establish the knowledge that you are doing your very best, nothing can change that in your mind and your heart. Once you begin to thank God for all that you have, and more importantly all that you are, nobody's comments or attitudes or lack of understanding can get in your way. And once you have embraced all that comes along with motherhood, and figured out how to best operate your home, you will be more productive than ever which means some of what may have contributed to don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome will disappear anyway.
I certainly don't have all the answers, and I don't want to pretend that I do. But God does. And if you start with #7 from my little list above, you'll find your way. In the meantime, husbands, have patience with your wives who stay at home. Give her an extra hug and an extra "thanks." Show her appreciation in a way she would never expect. Those types of actions will fuel her fire and make her an even better wife and mother than before. We are truly all connected in ways we never thought and ESPECIALLY by way of emotions and actions that either cause or are the effect of showing emotions.
Hang in there moms, and know that you are doing a GREAT job if you are trying your best. Keep truckin and keep making your parenting purposeful. Some day you will reap the benefits of what you sow. In the meantime know that at least one mom out there (ME!) understands and has stood in shoes like yours. Maybe not your exact shoes, but some that are even more like yours than you could imagine!
I LOVE this guy....
...whether he's ever truly suffered from don't-gotta-dang-clue-what-the-heck-I-put-up-with-all-day-with-these-kids syndrome or not!! He is absolutely the very best husband for me and I thank God not only for that fact, but for also helping me to realize that time and time again :)
Comments